Fishing Humor

If laughter is the best medicine, reading these fishing jokes should make you feel much better. Thanks to all that have submitted them.

A warden walks up to a fly fisherman with a cooler full of Rainbows in a Catch & Release area. The warden says,"You know...it's illegal to keep those fish you caught?" The fisherman answers, "I didn't catch those, they're my pet fish, I bring them down here from home once a day so they can swim around and when I whistle they come back and jump in the cooler and I take them back home". The warden says, " I don't believe it". So the fisherman dumps the cooler and the fish go for a swim. After a few minutes the warden says, "Well..when are you going to whistle to bring the fish back?" The fisherman says,"What fish are you talking about?!?!?!"

Q: Why did the fly fisherman go to area 51?
A: He needed some extra terrestrials

I've spent most of my life fishing, the rest I just wasted.

submitted by Frank Healy fhealy@computer.net

My wife told me that if I go fishing again she'll leave me. God, I'm going to miss her!

Give a man a fish and you can feed him for a day -- teach a man to fish and you can get rid of him for the weekend!

submitted by Larry Holmes rci05lh@erols.com

Q: How much fishing equipment can a man have before his wife throws him out?

A: I do not know for sure; however, I believe that the experiment is almost complete!

submitted by Larry Holmes rci05lh@erols.com

Wanted: Woman who can cook, clean house, take out the trash, mow the lawn, tie flies and build fishing rods, clean wild game and fish, has hunting dog and drift boat. Please send picture drift boat and dog.

submitted by Dee Harrison deecarolh@accs.net

Every Sunday afternoon everyone in the neighborhood would meet at the nearby cross roads and country store to compare their weekend catches. Everyone had normal size fish except this one old farmer who had always brought in huge fish. The game warden heard about this and showed up one Sunday afternoon. After inspecting the old farmers fish, he turned to the farmer and said "If you don't show me your fishing spot , I'm going to have to close you down." The farmer replied by telling him to come out to the farm in the morning and he would take him fishing. The next morning the game warden shows up with his pole and the farmer tells him to climb onto the tractor. They head out into this big field until they come to a little pond. The warden is scratching his head because all he sees is a rotten old skiff, when he expected a large lake and something closer to a yacht. The farmer said to get in and they start rowing out to the middle. About this time the warden notices that there are no fishing poles. As he is about to say something, the farmer reaches into a box and pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and throws it into the pond. After the water and smoke settle, he paddles around picking up the fish. The warden's jaw is on the deck. He can't talk for a minute. When he finds his voice, he starts in on the farmer about how he can't believe what just happened and starts screaming to the farmer about all the regulations he has broken. While this is taking place the farmer calmly reaches into the box grabs another stick of dynamite, lights it, hands it to the warden and asks him if he is going to fish or talk.

submitted by Keith Knorr kknorr@ptialaska.net

A more-than-slightly intoxicated buzzard wanted to go ice fishing. As he began to cut a hole in the ice, a resonating voice from above came booming down, "There are no fish under the ice!". The ice fisher was slightly taken aback, but continued trying to cut a hole in the ice. Again, the voice came booming down,"There are no fish under the ice!". Now the fellow was getting a bit nervous, but nevertheless continued trying to cut a hole in the ice. Yet again the voice boomed, "I said, there are no fish under the ice!". The fisher responded, "God, is that you?", "Why do you keep telling me there are no fish under the ice?". The voice boomed back, "Because I own the hockey rink, you fool!"

submitted by Jerry Snider cinc@ucbeh.san.uc.edu

One time there was a salmon fisherman who was out in the ocean fishing and his boat sank. He was lucky enough to make to a deserted island. When the Coastguard found him, the leader noticed there was a fire pit with California Condor feathers. he went over to the fisherman and said, " You know, it's illegal to kill a California Condor, I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest you." the fisherman protested for some time saying that he killed it because he was going to starve. Eventually he calmed down. The man arresting asked him," Out of curiosity, What did it taste like?" the fisherman replied, " Well, it was kind of a mix between a snowy owl and a bald eagle.

submitted by Nathan Koch Gold@Sonic.net

One time, there were two boys going ice fishing. They were sitting only a few feet apart. One boy noticed that while he was catching nothing the other boy kept catching fish every time he put the worm in the water. So the first little boy asked the other boy, "What's your secret?" The other boy replied, " Ma mottameeh ma Mors merm!" the first little boy couldn't understand him and so he asked him again, " What's your secret?" So the boy again replied,"Ma Motta meeh Ma Mors Merm!" The first little boy still couldn't understand him, so he asked a third time, "What's your secret?" the other boy said, " --PATEWEE(spit)-- You gotta keep your worms warm!"

submitted by Nathan Koch Gold@Sonic.net

Here is the "official" definition of "fly tier" from the Dictionary of Occupational Titles from the Department of Labor:

732.684-074 FLY TIER (toy-sport equip) alternate titles: artificial-fly tier; bait tier; fly winder.

Makes artificial fish flies and lures, using feathers, fur, thread, and fishhooks, according to prototype design: Clamps fishhook in vise and wraps thread around shank of hook. Pulls feathers or fur of specified color or type from quill or pelt, positions on hook, and wraps in place with thread. Repeats operation to simulate wings, legs, and tail of insect. Wraps thread or colored wire around shank of hook in continuous spirals to form body of insect. Ties and cuts off thread. May brush dope on windings to waterproof and hold them in place.

submitted by Larry Holmes rci05lh@erols.com

A fellow was duck hunting and he went up to the corner store, well he had a big bag, seven beautiful birds. There was a game warden in the store and when he saw the boy he knew that he should probably check him out. So he took the boy around to the side of the store and opened his game bag. The warden grabbed the first duck and stuck his finger up the birds ass, then he pulled it out and smelled it."Damn if that ain't a Virginia duck, you got your Virginia License?"asked the warden. And the boy reached in his pocket and sure enough he had a Virginia license. "Now this looks like a...(sniff)...just as I suspected, Tennessee Duck, you got your Tennessee license?" And the boy handed him a Tennessee license. "just as I suspected, A Georgia duck, license please" and for some reason the boy had one of those too. Just before the game warden got ready to 'checkout' the next duck he said, "Boy where are you from?" The boy replied as he bent over,"If your so damn smart find out your damnself!"

submitted by Bill Kelly billkelly1@loclnet.com

You know you are getting old when you leave your fly down after going to the bathroom, but you are old for sure if you forget to pull it down...

submitted by Nick NoWay@whyshoulditellu.cok

A guy returned from flyfishing one day and was approached by his wife: "Dear, the washing machine broke." The flyfisher: "Honey, call the repair man and have it fixed!"

The next day upon returning home from another outing: "Dear, the TV is broke." The flyfisher: "Honey, I'm not a repairman. I have to go fishing. Call the repairman and have them fixed!"

The third day: "Dear, the fridge doesn't work anymore." The flyfisher: "Honey, I told you I'm not a repairman but a flyfisherman. Call the repairman and have everything fixed!"

Finally, on the fourth day the flyfisher returns home to find his wife with a smile on her face. "Did the repairman come, honey?" "He sure did, dear. And he repaired everything just like you said." "And how much did he charge, honey?" "Nothing, dear. When I asked him for the bill he told me that I either had to bake him a big chocolate cake or go to bed with him." "Honey, what did you do?" "Dear, I'm not a baker!"

submitted by Vince mirocar@tin.it

There was a priest that loved to stream fish. One year there was a problem every time he had a chance to go fishing the weather was bad or it was on Sunday, when he had to work. All year he was unable to go. Finally it was the last week before the streams closed. The weather was bad all week until Sunday, when the weather was great. The priest could not resist, he called a fellow priest claiming to be very sick and asked if he could take over his sermon.

The flyfishing priest drove over 200 miles, not wishing to see anyone he knew.

An angel seeing the priest playing hooky went to God and said "Your not going to let him get away with this are you?". God agreed he should do something .

The first cast the priest made was perfect. The fly floated past a log and a huge mouth gulped the fly down. For 45 minutes the priest ran up and down the stream fighting the mighty fish. At the end he held a 50" world record rainbow trout.

Confused the angel asked God, "What are you doing?".

God replied "Think about it, who's he going to tell?"

submitted by Monty mstwells@agt.net

Fishing is like sex, the more you do it the bigger stories you tell.

submitted by Tucker Galloway ngalo@cyberhighway.com

"Just last Saturday I was motoring my boat into a small cave that looked like a most inviting spot. As I pulled in I noticed a rock protruding through the surface of the water. On the rock was a walnut. Nearby, on the shore, a squirrel had climbed out onto a branch of a large maple tree attempting to gain access to the rock and the walnut.

As the squirrel moved further out over the water, the branch began to bend, looking like it would afford the squirrel a perfect avenue to the rock. Surely enough, with a small hop the squirrel landed squarely on the small rock. Grasping his prize, he turned to make the return trip on the branch.

Having been relieved of the squirrel's weight, the branch rebounded back to its original position several feet from the rock. The branch was easily out of the squirrel's reach. After sizing up the situation a bit, the squirrel backed up a few steps and made an attempt to jump up to the branch. Stretching as for as possible, it was all the squirrel could do to barely contact the branch with one of his front feet. Needless to say, the squirrel was not able to hold onto the branch and fell into the water.

Just as the squirrel hit the water, the place erupted like a depth charge had gone off. In all the excitement and through all the water and spray, I could make out a combination of fur and fish. Then, with a flick of the tail, both were gone.

I immediately poured through my flies looking for something big enough to imitate that squirrel. Maybe this big brown streamer would work. Or how about that mouse imitation? I ended up throwing first the mouse then the big streamer all around that rock, under the tree branches and most every other place I could think of. I must have worked that spot for over an hour with not one stinking bite.

Realizing that I was skunked once again, I packed up my gear and began to slowly head the boat back to the dock. Hearing a splash behind me just as I was getting under way, I turned once again to look in the direction of the rock. And I'll be damned if I didn't see that fish putting the walnut back onto the rock."

submitted by Steve Boljen, via Joseph Sidera jasidera@rs01.kings.edu

Two blondes were fishing by a stream one day when a game warden suddenly appeared. Upon seeing the ladies he struck up a conversation which eventually led to the question, "Do you gals have fishing licenses?" "We don't need fishing licenses," one of the blondes replied. "we're using magnets to dredge the bottom for debris." Somewhat perplexed, the warden demanded to see those magnets. The blondes complied and reeled in their rigs, and sure enough, magnets were attached to the ends of their lines. "OK'" grumbled the warden, as he left. When he was out of sight, one of the blondes giggled, "Stupid warden doesn't know there's steelhead in here!"

submitted by Al Delco Delco674@AOL.com

Two fellows are out fishing on the lake. A hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of the fellows stands up and holds his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passes. His buddy comments, "Gee Harry, that was really nice and respectful." Harry replys, "Well after all, we were married for 40 years."

submitted by W. Long WLONG10702@AOL.com

These two guys are ice fishin',and one says: "they ain't bitin", the other one notices a snowmobile and says: "Well, those guys that are trolling don't look like they're catchin' much either."

submitted by Alex Meier rude86@hotmail.com

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